Police Jokes – Jokes that won’t get you into trouble at work!

Jokes are good for you! Honest!

Jokes are often seen as frivolous, but in actuality they can be quite beneficial for mental health. Laughter has been shown to reduce stress hormone levels, lower blood pressure, and boost immunity.

It also helps to improve mood, increase happiness, and reduce anxiety. Furthermore, laughter is a form of social bonding that can help to build relationships and foster a sense of connection.

In one study, participants who shared jokes with friends experienced increased feelings of closeness and social support.

Jokes can also help to reframe difficult situations in a more positive light. By finding humor in tough times, people can develop a more resilient outlook and better cope with adversity. In other words, laughter really is the best medicine.

Police Jokes and Dark Humour

Police Officers are often exposed to traumatic and stressful situations. In order to prevent burnout and maintain their mental health, they often use humor as a coping mechanism.

Police Jokes help to diffuse tension and provide a release from the constant stress of the job. They also create a sense of camaraderie and foster a positive working environment.

Furthermore, humor can be used as a tool to defuse difficult or dangerous situations.

By lightening the mood, emergency service workers can prevent breakdown and maintain their composure in the face of adversity.

Just remember – If you’re posting in a group chat etc be mindful of what your posting because someone somewhere might take offence, and we know where that leads!

60 Police Jokes

1. How do you know when a police officer is lying? His lips are moving.

2. How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but he’ll break the socket.

3. How do you handcuff a chicken? With its wings behind its back.

4. How do you handcuff a chicken? With its wings behind its back.

5. What’s the difference between a cop and a criminal? One wears a badge, and the other wears handcuffs.

6. Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the cops!

7. Why did the chicken cross the road twice? To get away from the cops twice!

8. Officers are looking for a man who streaked past a bus stop earlier, where three elderly women were waiting. Police have said that as a result, 2 had a stroke and the third couldn’t quite reach.

9. A policeman from near Clapham Junction. Had a penis that just wouldn’t function. For the rest of his life, he misled his wife. With a dollop of snot on his truncheon.

10. A bloke stopped me & asked. “Do you want to buy a ticket for the policemans ball?” I replied, “I’m not much of a dancer.” He said. “That’s alright mate, its a bloody raffle!”

11. Where does Mr plod live? 999 let’s be avenue.

12.  I have a fear of sleeping policemen. But I’m slowly getting over it

13. What do you call a female police officer who shaves her pubes? Cunt stubble

14. What do you can two robbers. A pair of knickers.

15. What did the police womans bra say to the police womans hat? “You go on a head, whilst I hold these two up!”

16. What street do police live in? Letsby Avenue

17. Police officer: how high are you? Pot head: no sir, it’s hi how are you!

18. What does the police man say to his belly….your under a vest.

19. Why do Police officers have numbers? In case they get lost.

20. Police jokes are overrated. Can we give it arrest please

21. Detective: My wife said being a detective has taken over my life. She said we should split up, I said your right that way we can cover more ground.

22. Two men arrested, one for sniffing battery acid, the other for messing around with fireworks. The first was charged and the second let off.

23. What’s the difference between a toilet and a police officer? A toilet only ever has to deal with one arsehole at a time!

24. Breaking News: All of the toilets were stolen from a local Police station. Police have nothing to go on.

25. A local man was found dead, face down in a bowl of Corn Flakes. Police are looking for a serial killer.

26. What do you call a small PC? Laptop.

27. How many police does it take to break an egg? None it fell down the steps your worship.

28. What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped police custody? A small medium at large!

29. Officer “Can you tell me why you were driving at 120mph?” . Driver “Well Sir, you see 2 yrs ago my wife ran off with a traffic cop. When I saw the blue lights behind me I thought he was trying to bring her back!”

Vehicle Police Jokes

More Police Jokes

30. Was driving down the M1 the other day and got pulled over by a police officer for having a flat tire. Luckily I had a pump in my boot so I knocked him out with that and drove off!

31. Two prostitutes talking, one says “have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?” The other replies “no, but I’ve been swung round by the tits a few times…”

32. A big hole has been cut into the fence of the local nudist camp, police are looking into it.

33. What do policemen have in their sandwiches? Truncheon meat.

34. Having an argument with your wife is like being arrested ….Everything will be written down and used against you.

35. What’s the difference between a police car and a hedgehog? A hedgehog has the pricks on the outside.

36. The police came to my house tonight holding a picture of my wife. They said, “Is this your wife, sir?” Shocked, I answered, “Yes.” They said, “I’m afraid it looks like she’s been hit by a bus.” I said, “I know, but she has a lovely personality.”

37. Why can’t a police officer sleep? Because when he is in the bed, he is under cover.

38. A large hole has appeared in the road outside your local Police Station. The Police say they are looking into it.

39. Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control. But cases continue to rise.

40. Did you hear about the peanut that walked into the police station? It claims it was a salted.

41. Have you read – “Good Detective Work” by Mr. E. Solved

42. What happened to the robber who stole a lamp? He got a very light sentence.

43. Did the police arrest the robber who was only stealing wheels from the police cars? No, they haven’t caught him yet but are working tirelessly to catch them!

44. Which cop is the strongest in the entire world? The traffic police is the strongest cop in the entire world because he can stop even the biggest of trucks with just a wave of the hand.

45. What is the kind of topping that a cop hates on his morning toast? Traffic jam.

46. Why do most volleyball players turn into great officers of the law? Because they know how to serve and protect!

47. Why did the police detectives set up offices all along the beach? Because they were expecting a crime wave.

48. When the police caught the low-powered robot driving around in the car, what did he say to the robot? He said, “You are going to be charged with battery!”

49. Why was the thief who was wearing blue gloves not caught by the police? Because they couldn’t catch him red-handed!

50. What did the police assure the old lady who had lost her wig in the locality? They said they would comb the area.

51. What happened when a rock band drummer decided to join the police academy? He graduated as a beat cop.

52. Why do cows never get to be great police officers? Because they are petrified of being part of a steak-out while on duty!

53. I don’t have a Police record, but I do have a Sting CD.

54. The police are saying I “assaulted” some guy with a sheet of sandpaper. But I only roughed him up a bit.

55. A city was stolen today in the North of England. Police are desperately looking for Leeds.

56. My wife has been missing for over a week. The police said to be prepared for the worst. So I had to go to Goodwill to get all her clothes back.

57. A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally…….caught him by the organ.

58. Which dinosaurs make the best policemen? A Tricera-cops.

59. Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.

60. An officer comes upon a man clearly under the influence of some illegal substance. He says to the man, “We’re going to have to give you a drug test.” Without hesitation, the man replies, “Cool, which drugs are we testing?”

Are these jokes any good?

Well we hpoed you enjoyed that short list of Police related jokes. So which one was your favourite?

If you know of some better jokes please send me a message and I will add more jokes to the list.

End of Police Jokes

Steve Jones
Steve Jones

My name is Steve Jones and I set up this website in 2012. I am an Ex-Police Officer with over 17 years experience in various departments, posted to some of the roughest places in UK. I initially set up the website during a time of big change in the Police Service. Police Pension, Pay and conditions had been compromised. I really wanted the wider Police Community to save money and I found that I could use this website to find deals relevant for the Police, for example, Police Boots and equipment. Since then the Website has continued to grow and I hope that the Police Family continue to save money from these exclusive deals and promotions. Free free to contact me via email, or take a look at my Linkdin profile.

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